The Cthulhu plant in question. I think it’s a crassula variety, which is a pretty damn large family. It has tendril-like, tapering stems with spoon-shaped leaves and small, white, star-shaped flowers above pretty much every leaf. It also appears to grow really fast. Some tendrils are already twice as long as when I bought it a week ago.
I’ve already scoured online encyclopedias for a few days and determined it’s not a Trailing Jade, any of the Donkey’s Tail variants, a Money Plant, or String of Pearls/Nickles, or a Chinese Dunce Cap.
My best guess at the moment is it might be a hybrid of Traling Jade and the Chinese Dunce Cap but if anyone with an actual clue has an idea I’d be glad to hear it.
I think it’s a dunce cap, Orostachys iwarenge, just needs more light to get that more compact look.